You probably already heard about Jack -- most folks either know somethin' on him or at least've heard uv some uv his trickery ways, the scrapes an' rapscallion situations he got hisself into an' usually out uv. He was a born natural fer cookin' up some kind uv mischief -- jest fer the devilment uv it -- or jumpin' into somethin' when he shoulda been payin' more 'tention. In fact, hit was someone what tole him thet he shoulda been lookin' closter -- probably somethin' his daddy woulda said, 'cause he was allus tryin' to correck Jack. Well, Jack turned thet admonition into the ol'-time sayin' "Look afore you leap."
Now, Jack lived quite some time ago, but he was so well known thet lots uv sayin's can be traced back to some kinda foolery he got hisself into. This here story will be a kinda English lesson, though I hate to own up to it. You see, Jack actually invented some uv the words in our language, which you'll find out 'bout.
Even though Jack's time uv life was a long time ago, some uv his remainin' family lived acrost a couple uv ridges from one uv my cousins, Lige Bowen, an' hit was him what tole me on Jack so many times.
Now, I'll have to be straight with you; I cain't rightly say thet I believed all them things thet wuz tole on Jack fer a couple uv reasons: in the first place Lige was the outlandishest hand to add a little somethin' extra to a pot even if hit was already a-boilin' (he was awful bad to drink, don't you know), an' in the second place I couldn't hardly believe thet Jack or nobody else coulda gotten hisself into half those scrapes reported on 'im an' come out alive or without landin' up in jail someplace.
Now this here was one special time when there was quite a bit uv talk about the doctor's daughter. Oh, there weren't anythin' particular wrong with her. Hit was jest thet her circumstances were a little bit peculiar, an' you know how thet goes when things are not right on track, so to speak -- well, folks would begin to talk. An' the honest fact was thet the girl was already sixteen, wadn't married, an' hadn't even begun to talk with any uv the boys in the neighborhood, nur outside, so far as anybody knew.
She jest didn't seem to be innerested, an' what's more the local boys didn't seem to be innerested in her. Now this was most peculiar, particularly when hit comes to Jack, 'cause ever'body commented on how he'd pay real close 'tention to a pretty face an' carry on 'bout thet with his brothers, Will an' Tom. An' she was a pretty thing. All the boys noticed Jack's disint'rest an' 'fronted him 'bout it. He jest said, "A feller jest has to have a little show fer him to go on an' make a fool uv his own self. I jest cain't tell whether she's innerested in anythin'. She don't laugh, she don't cry, she don't frown, she don't even sigh." The boys all laughed at thet little poem an' opinioned thet when she was off to school yonder, things must've been so tarnashously excitin' thet nothin' here back home could ever measure up.
An' they were exactly right. She was jest teetotally bored with the old hometown an' even more so with the old hometown boys. Now her father, the doctor, suspicioned thet she might have some kinda ailment, what he called psychosomethin' or 'nother. But he decided thet afore he'd send her back to the big city to see a mind specialist, he'd try somethin' -- a kind uv experiment, don't you know -- an' thet's what he done.
He let hit out thet any boy or man what could get her to break her morbid silence with a tear, a laugh, an applause, or even a smile ... why then he'd hire the lucky fellow to be foreman uv his sawmill an' might even talk with the boy 'bout marryin' his daughter -- that is if she's innerested. An' why wouldn't she be innerested; she surely wadn't innerested in anythin' else.
Jack nur none uv his brothers was married, an' all uv 'em would really 'preciate a steady job, especially as foreman uv the sawmill; why then the rest uv the neighbor folks would really look up to them. I mean what with the good wages an' bein' able to hire an' fire anyone you pleased -- that would be an uncommonly favorable prestige. Any one uv the three boys would welcome a good wife, particularly the daughter uv the doctor.
Well now, most uv the other men an' boys had tried their hand at one fool thing or 'nother. But thet pore girl jest looked at each one uv their efforts with a blank look on her face -- not even an expression uv disgust or exasperation.
So Jack an' his brothers, Will an' Tom, thought they'd give the matter a try. Hit hadn't been long afore thet they'd all gone into town when a circus was performin' there, an' they figgered thet since they'd seen so many foreign things an' excitin' acts there thet Lorene -- that was the doctor's daughter's name -- that Lorene might take notice uv somethin' like thet. So they begun to practice some uv those circus acts afore they'd actually perform them in public fer sech grand prizes.
Now Will, bein' the oldest uv the brothers, was the first to try. He had been particularly mindful uv the tightwire act, so he allowed as how he would use the top rail uv the rail fence in place uv a tightwire. Jack cautioned him about the pig's slop trough bein' next to the fence. Will didn't pay him no nevermind; after all, he was the oldest an' ever'body knows the older brother never likes to take advice from a younger brother. Will was bound an' determined to do things his own way, so thet's what he done.
Unfortunately, he hadn't reckoned on thet top rail bein' a little loose, an' by the time he had took his second step out onto thet rail, hit squiggled jest a little under his feet; but hit was jest enough to make him lose his balance an' head foremost he toppled right over into thet hog trough an' hit full uv kitchen scraps an' hog slop. Jack kinda murmured under his breath -- his advice havin' been ignored -- "Pride goeth afore a fall." As I've already mentioned, Jack was noted fer startin' a lot uv them old-time sayin's.
Well, when Will sat up with all thet filthy stuff all over him an' a cabbage leaf where his hat oughta uv been, ever'body busted out laughin'. Some laughed so hard they almost fell off their own selves from where they'd been awatchin' the show.
But not Lorene; she jest sat there. She almost twinged a look uv disgust but hit didn't register enough on her face fer her daddy to notice any real change in her countenance.
Jack tole Will thet was what he got fer not movin' the hog trough an' bein' so "pigheaded." Thet's when Jack made up thet word, "pigheaded," 'cause Will's head was filled with pig slop. Jack also called Will "will-full," him insistin' on havin' his own way an' not takin' good advice. Thet's where the English vocabulary got the word "willful," which Jack made up an' basically means insistin' on havin' yore own way. In the end the hog's feedin' trough was full uv Will, simply because he wouldn't pay no 'tention to some good advice.
Tom was next on the agenda -- him bein' the next oldest brother. He had decided to emulate the trapeze artists. He was goin' to swing out uv the barn loft, turn a somerset in the air, an' land in a pile uv corn shucks left over from last night's corn shuckin'. He'd been practicin' real regular an' had gotten pretty good at thet mid-air somerset. But jest afore the performance, while still in the barn loft an' unbeknownst to anybody -- even Will an' Jack -- he decided he'd better have a costume like the circus performers. So he stripped off his shirt an' overhauls down to his skivvies (his underwear) 'cause to the best uv his recollection the circus folks had performed in their long-johns (winter underwear).
But don't you know, jest as he was aswingin' out uv the barn loft, his skivvies caught on a nail stickin' out there, an' when he swung on out his skivvies didn't -- they stayed hangin' on thet obtrusive nail. Tom was so surprised by this unfortunate turn uv events thet he fergot to do the somerset; in fact he even fergot to let go uv the rope an' jest hung out there in all his glory over thet pile uv corn shucks, naked as a jaybird.
When he finally come to hisself he figgered he'd better let go uv the rope an' go ahead an' land in the corn shucks, instead uv hangin' out there, so to speak, fer the whole wide world to ogle. So he let go uv the rope an' stayed half hidden in the corn shucks 'til Jack brung him his overhauls. He really didn't need his skivvies anyway. Now hit was jest foolishness what made him strip down to his skivvies thetaway, an' Jack called hit "tomfoolery." Thet's how we come by thet word, "tomfoolery," which simply means the foolishness uv Tom.
Now, o' course this caused a good deal uv snickerin', but not from Lorene. She jest turned her head -- maybe to conceal a slight smirk on her face. But her daddy didn't take no notice uv even thet trace uv an almost changed expression.
Now, hit was time fer Jack, an' he didn't waste no time atall but started right into his act, which was a jugglin' routine inspired from what he had seen at the circus. Though the circus clowns juggled balls an' bowlin' pins, Jack had planned somethin' a little different. Many times he had swung a bucket full uv milk over his head while headin' back to the house after milkin' time an' afore hit was strained an' put in the spring house fer coolin'. He had also perfected this little feat with buckets uv water from the spring -- sometimes two at a time.
What he would do was to swing the full bucket over his head, an' as long as he kept hit goin' fast enough, the liquid -- whatever hit was -- wouldn't spill out even when hit was upside down. He hadn't made more than a couple uv mistakes with this trick; thet would be when he become uncertain an' slowed down when the bucket was over his head -- that'd been rather disastrous. But hit would mean a good wrenchin' bath whether hit was Saturday or not.
He had developed this little game 'cause he would get bored jest carryin' a bucket uv water or milk, an' he was allus conductin' an experiment uv one sort or 'nother.
'Cause he was so familiar with this little trick, he had all the confidence in the world hit would go jest right. Well you know, he taken a bucket full uv milk an', holdin' on to the bale uv the bucket he started swingin' hit faster an' faster an' higher an' higher.
Then jest to check on the situation, he decided to look over to thet girl to see what kind uv impression he was makin'; but, don't you know, thet little tactic uv his hesitated him jest enough fer thet bucket uv milk to spill its entire contents right over his head.
He begun spittin' an' sputterin', an' ever'body wuz gettin' the biggest kick out uv Jack doin' this to his own self, 'cause they allus seen him comin' out on the long end uv the stick whenever he was in any kind uv contentious predicament. But then they reckoned he'd done this on purpose to get some kind uv rise out uv Lorene. He sure wadn't 'bout to let on thet he hadn't deliberately intended to do exactly what they seen him do. Thet's when he started thet old-time sayin', "No use cryin' over spilt milk."
Well, ever'one looked over at the doctor's daughter, an' she wadn't sayin' nothin' an' wadn't doin' a thing 'cept coverin' her mouth with a little hankie to catch a sneeze. Actually she had used the handkerchief to conceal a little smile thet was about to form on her face. She was beginnin' to take a likin' to this fellow Jack, but she wadn't 'bout to let on thet she was becomin' innerested in him. She was enjoyin' the 'tention she was gettin' from her daddy an' ever'one else.
Now, hit looked like all the boys had failed at gettin' Lorene to respond to any uv their courtin' shenanigans, but Jack an' his brothers asked the doctor if they could try one more time as a team -- a kind uv family act, don't you know. The good doctor thought on thet a minute an' concluded thet hit was fair enough since there didn't seem to be any more candidates on hand. He figgered he'd try 'most anythin' to avoid sendin' Lorene off to see the mind doctor in the city.
So real quick-like the brothers begun to form a human pyramid with Will on the bottom -- him bein' the oldest -- and then with Tom crawlin' up onto his shoulders. Lastly, Jack clumb up over Will to Tom's shoulders, an' jest as Jack was 'bout to do a handstand on top uv Tom's head, thet girl looked as though she was about to applaud.
The crowd gasped loud enough fer the boys to hear, an' when they looked over her way they lost their balance an' fell on top uv each other in a tangled heap.
Now instead uv clappin' as she was wont to do, thet girl laughed right out loud jest like hit wuz a ever'day thing fer her. The crowd by this time wuz havin' more fun than they would've had at the real circus.
Hit surely looked like the doctor had hisself a sawmill foreman an' possibly a new son-in-law. But now hit was a different problem; the sawmill couldn't have three foremen an' Lorene couldn't have three husbands -- not legally anyway. So what to do?
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